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What I experiences the most with my illness was florid amount of hallucinations, both visual and auditory. I was seeing demonic spirits and hearing voices of sexual profanity constantly. I was seeing classic demonic images: horns in the forehead, pointed ears, black goatee beards, jet red skin, hoofs for feet, pitch forks and a tail with an Indian arrow head at its pointed end, all of this without relief. To compound this, these hallucinations made me extremely paranoid. I felt because I saw this in people's bodies that these people were out to get me that they were trying to take my soul out of my body. This went on day and night without end, finding solace only when I slept. These hallucinations determined and dictated my behavior, and therefore I lost self-control and consequently violated the law and ended up in jail and psychiatric institutions.
Before my current medication, Clozaril, I had been prescribed Navane, Haldol, Thorazine, Malarial, and Prolix in. With these drugs my hands shook so much I could not hold a cup of coffee, even with both hands to keep from spilling it. I chewed on my fingernails and ground my teeth. I had symptoms of Parkinson's disease and paced the floor continuously walking up to several miles a day on the unit. I also had a terrible time with lightheadedness, I smoked cigarettes at this time and I would light up hoping to get a lift over the feeling in my head. Often I would go to bed as early as 7:00 p.m. and would sleep up until 10:00 a.m., hoping to sleep away the side effects, especially the body shaking and lightheadedness. I also had significant weight gain, putting on about 50-lbs. I was steel and food was a magnet that had me constantly pulled to the refrigerator.
The older anti-psychotics did not help me at all. My problem was compounded by the side effects that they caused. I was prescribed Cogentin for side effects, but id did not help. Not only did I have the symptoms to put up with but I now had side effects to deal with. To this day I do not understand why I kept taking my medicine. I was like a teacher's pet trying to please his teacher, the psychiatrist.
After years of trial and error I came upon a drug that, although it had it side effects, would work to alleviate the symptoms I was experiencing. It is called Clozaril. Clozaril is a mental dam that stops the flow of schizophrenia. Clozaril results in more positive experiences than the negative experiences described previously. After the first six months the visual auditory hallucinations diminish significantly and paranoia's hold on me weakened considerably. I can now function in society outside the hospital to the point where I have been out of the hospital for over 18-years.
I still have my problems, even with Clozaril. As I write this article I am experiencing trouble breathing. Difficulty breathing is one side effect that I experience with Clozaril.
A second problem that I have with Clozaril is what is known as wet pillow. At night while sleeping I salivate profusely. I can lose up to three pounds a night due to this condition. There are other side effects that go along with Clozaril that I do not experience. Even considering what I do experience I still take my medication religiously because I am afraid of what would happen if I did not. I keep talking medication for the main reason it does not cause tardive dyskenesia. In closing I don't understand how Clozaril works but I do know that I have been actively employed for 10.5 years, I speak about mental illness on behalf of various manufacturers as well as patient advocacy groups, and I am satisfied with my independent living status. I have been on CBS Evening News with Dan Rather talking about mental illness, and on the cover of Time Magazine the bottom line is that I will continue to fight against my illness to keep the stability I am now experiencing.